This week started out ok health and fitness wise. I went to the gym and saw my trainer on Monday night. I had a date with my man planned for Tuesday. Then Wednesday I was planning on Spin and Thursday I was going to try a new cardio/weight class. Neither of those things happened. Wednesday I actually got to my gym parking lot and then proceeded to have a melt down. I called my fella and bawled about how I didn’t want to work out but I felt like a failure if I didn’t. In the long run I went home and I sat on my couch and watched the series finale of Dexter. Thursday night I still didn’t want to but I’d pulled myself together enough to be ok with it. I went out to dinner with my guy and had drinks with a friend of his. I had a great time and then this morning I woke up and dragged (really had to pep talk myself into it) myself to Spin and PT.
What I realized on Wednesday was that I haven’t just sat on my couch and really truly relaxed and had wind down time in weeks. I needed it. My brain had been pushed to the limits with work and my social life. I needed some “me time” and I needed it bad. So my brain just refused to let me want to workout. I tried everything under the sun to convince myself to go in for a workout. I even tried saying, “Just go home and get a walk in.” Nope. I was falling apart. I wish I could be ok with it when my brain says, “Go home and relax.” But I feel like a failure and that starts a downward spiral. Now, I know all of the things I should focus on. I know that I need to focus on how far I’ve come, the fact that I rarely talk myself out of a workout or even miss a planned on, etc. But the fact is, my brain is a little broken when it comes to positive talk like that.
Nonetheless, I worked at just ignoring the negative committee on Thursday and tried to enjoy myself. Sure, I’m kicking myself a bit today but I’m trying to just be ok with not being ok all the time. I’m a human being after all.